Blown by the Wind

In Memory of a Precious Heavenly Flower...

2009-04-25T20:50:00.003-05:00

I walked into the labor room, and the woman in the bed called out, "Leilani!"

She'd been in the hospital before, and I'd briefly adjusted her monitor before I was called out to another patient assignment. I couldn't believe she remembered me, let alone remembered my name!

She and her husband were wonderful to work with. Her labor progressed well, even quickly at the end. Then...the unthinkable happened. The baby was stuck.

Aware of the true emergency before us, we called for help and tried all of the maneuvers that we'd practiced before. Everyone was praying...shocked...and ready to resuscitate her, when she finally came out.

The dad spoke strong, encouraging words over her little body: "C'mon....you can do it..." all the while calling her by name. The team was able to resuscitate her, but we knew this was not the end. She was brought to an intensive care unit.

I joined the mom as she cried in grief, and I continued to pray while taking care of her. As I drove home, I cried and cried. The song "Lily of the Valley" by David Ruis, a worship song for Jesus, played in my car. I saw a unique dark pink color, and I sensed it was a dress I would wear as I worship danced at her funeral. I cried more, comforted by the Presence of the Holy Spirit, but hoping I was wrong in my interpretation of what He was revealing to me.

Just before falling asleep, I saw a large bunch of dried red roses, tightly bound.

The next day I was the nurse for the mom again. When I quietly entered her room, expecting her to be asleep, she called out to me, quite loudly, "Leilani!"

Her eyes were swollen almost shut. She was not medically stable herself, yet she was hopeful. She told me of the news from the ICU and showed me pictures of their girl, with a dark pink dress over her. The color of her dress was the same as in the vision.

A bunch of dried red roses were on the mom's bedside table. I asked about the flowers. They were behind her, out of her field of vision. She downplayed them, adding that their family didn't buy flowers 'because they don't last.'

Two days later, I was shopping and near a formal dress store. I went in to see if they had a dress that color...just in case I needed it later. The reports from the ICU and parents were all positive, but I wanted to check anyway.

There was a dress, my size, the exact color, for sale. It fit perfectly and would work to dance in. The only thing missing was a scarf. I asked the attendant who said no, this color had been discontinued. The color was called, "Paradise."

I started to put the dress back on the rack, and opened the clothes to find...the matching scarf! I boldly brought them to the front to have them hold them for me.

That night at work would be my last time to be with this family. I brought flowers (an unusual thing for me to do) and gave them a card about the strength and beauty I saw in each of them during the birth. I also wrote about the meaning of my name, "Heavenly Flower" and that each time as the mom declared it, I felt it was significant. Even if they had their daughter for the short time in the womb, she is precious. God makes flowers, even if they last a short time.

A week after her birth, this little girl died. Her grandma called me at work, to tell me. She also said how much my card meant to them all. She invited me to the funeral. Oh, LORD...

"Yes, I'd be honored. By the way, would you ask them if I could do a worship dance?"

I felt like I was walking through an ordained path. The plan was unfolding, and God was totally having His way, loving them, speaking to them, and holding them in his arms.

"And I wanted you to know," the Grandma continued, "The ribbon on the flowers on her casket will say "(her name)...our Heavenly Flower."

I couldn't stop the tears. Oh, God...oh, my...this is too much...

The day came. I danced to "Lily of the Valley" in the paradise dress. He poured out His healing and strength on the family. He dispelled the darkness, and brought His light.

The LORD is God, and He made His light shine upon us.

What's in a Name?

2009-04-20T18:57:00.002-05:00

As God was healing me from major depression (see previous post), an interesting thing happened. As my Father in Heaven filled in the feminine gaps in my identity, He gave me a new name.

He reminded me of a dream I'd had while I was pregnant with our last son Evan: A little girl was toddling around our living room. She looked a lot like I did as a two or three year old. I was trying to guess her name. She kept looking at me and smiling, but none of the names fit. Then I woke up.

At the time I took it to mean that we were not going to have a girl. This was fine with me; although we'd had a really neat girl's name picked out, I was going to have three boys under three, and the thought of adding another child was quite overwhelming.

But now, God was bringing this up for a different reason.

"The girl in the dream is you, and the name you'd picked for a girl is how I see you!"

I immediately began weeping...for even though it had been 8 years, I immediately knew what He meant: Leilani Elizabeth "Heavenly flower" and "House of God/Servant of God"

It was a special few hours in the van, journaling and crying, as God revealed this to me. I finally went home and told my husband about this. His response surprised me.

"If God asks you to change your name, I'm okay with it."

Change my name? I laughed a little. He hadn't said anything about that; it was just a really neat thing to know...that this is how He sees me!

But over the next three months, I began not hearing my name, Laura. When I'd sign credit card receipts, I felt like I was lying. Something in me was definitely different after my counseling times. I was happier and wanted to worship dance in open spaces and empty churches. I felt more comfortable wearing skirts than jeans. The pink frilly clothes and pretty stationery isles at Target caught my eye. I bought nail polish.

So, I knew God had done some major changes in me...but did this mean I was supposed to change my name?

Then one night while I was at a LeAnne Payne conference, God explained to me that He WAS changing my name, as He'd done for Abram, Sarai, Jacob, and Saul. I read their examples and saw how each situation was unique, but there was a similarity: God gave them a new name before they were completely changed, or walking in all He had for them. He knew what lay ahead and called them names that fit how HE saw them!

This helped me, for I certainly wasn't completely healed...still yelled at my kids, had anxiety in our marriage, struggled with a lesser form of depression (like I wasn't IN THE PIT anymore, but knew the pit was nearby).

I had a few other questions that He answered that night:

But Leilani doesn't "feel like" my name- He explained that He will use this as a teaching tool for me. When I am walking in the Spirit, Leilani will "feel" more like my name. When I am walking "in the flesh" it won't. Just as He is calling me to walk more by faith and follow His lead, and this will become more natural, my new name will feel more like my own.
I don't do well remembering other's "new" names. A lot of people will be affected by this.- He showed me that He had a plan for each person who heard my name...to bless them. That it somehow would fit into what He was already doing in their lives, and I was not to apologize for the inconvenience. [This has been SO true! From cashiers to bank tellers, to my patients to strangers, God has used my name to spark conversations, and in some instances DECLARE His presence and will.]

That night I also kept seeing the picture of our new cat Milky. We'd prayed for a pet that would work with our allergies. A few weeks later Milky meandered into our yard, walking right up to Jesse (our son who loves animals) and rubbing up against his leg. We later read that this rubbing of his head and ears meant he was marking us as his own. Now God was marking me as His own!

So, a few hours and a whole Kleenex box later, I texted Ken (for it was 4 AM by now): "How would you like a wife named Leilani?"

Theophostic Prayer Ministry--the good stuff

2009-04-20T17:39:00.004-05:00

At the start of 2006 I was stuck in a pit of depression. Sleeping and crying were my daily activities, mixed with waves of despair. Somehow I mustered enough strength to go to work most of my scheduled days, but one weekend my husband went to talk to my manager to tell her what was going on at home and that I wouldn't be in for a few days.

With a family history of suicide, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and "mental breakdowns", I was frozen with fear.

After my many attempts to find a good Christian counselor and psychiatrist on our insurance plan, my husband Ken found a healthy house church for us...that led to a suggestion for a counselor who does Theophostic Prayer Ministry. I didn't notice or care about the name, I just wanted help and knew the traditional Christian counselors were not helping.

Why was I so depressed...and suicidal? After all, I was not molested as a child. I am a Christian aware of and filled with the Holy Spirit. My husband is supportive and loves God. My boys are generally healthy, normal boys. I have a good job and know God has plans for me as a midwife.

For once a week over the next few months, I sat before the LORD, and let Him counsel me...and love me...and show me what was missing. I felt like swiss cheese: I had holes in my identity, emotions, beliefs and I'd gotten this far with various coping techniques, my natural abilities, and some major empowering from the Holy Spirit. But now my flaws were becoming increasingly obvious as a wife and mom and child of God. I knew God had something more for me.

Theophostic means "God-Light" and the counseling process is exceedingly simple. It's basically praying, listening to God, following His lead as He speaks through your imagination with words, pictures, verses, memories, visions, physical sensations, songs, strong emotions, or whatever He wants to use to show what belief/lie is at the root of the problem. Then, once we see and feel that, then He shows HIS PERSPECTIVE, ie. shines HIS LIGHT on it. The counselor helps you to stay focused (when you feeling like running or stopping prematurely) and clarify/mirror back what you're saying at each step.

It is amazing how what can at first seem like "Oh, it's just my imagination, not God speaking," later becomes obvious it was an intricate path of healing, specific to you, that brings release, healing, and deliverance.

Thank you, Jesus!

Following our Leaders...

2008-11-24T00:28:00.003-06:00

"It is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God; to confess their sins and transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon; and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scripturesand proven by all history, that those nations are blessed whose God is the LORD.

We know that by His divine law, nations, like individuals, are subjected to punishments and chastisements in this world. May we not justly fear that the awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be a punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national reformation as a whole people?

We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of heaven; we have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have grown in numbers, wealth and power as no other nation has ever grown.But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to, feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.

It has seemed to me fit and proper that God should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged, as with one heart and one voice, by the whole American people. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November as a day of Thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens." -Abraham Lincoln October 3, 1863 Speech

Fast and Pray for our nation

2008-11-01T03:01:00.005-05:00

The appropriate response in this time is to fast and pray...as in the time of Esther.
God is raising up Josephs to have resources for the times ahead, to provide for His children.
The election is more about Israel than we think.
"Rearrange"-- God is rearranging...
Connect with others; get phone numbers, e-mails. Be closely linked for the times ahead.
Keep your eyes open for opportunities to introduce others to Jesus; God is bringing salvation to many.

"Blown by the Wind"

2008-10-18T22:39:00.000-05:00

About two years ago, this was the phrase I heard from God gently calling me and my husband Ken to step further into a life of following His lead. So far, it has involved our looking pretty foolish at times, changing direction (or churches!) quickly, and waiting nine months until the "pause button" was lifted to go overseas. However, it has also involved landing in Germany to announce and help birth a beautiful gift of the Lord...and experience the start of this historic outpouring of God's favor. It has involved moving to hand-picked places for jobs that are not only our careers but also our callings. It has involved knowing a deeper peace...as we learn to get our direction directly from Him.

I'm starting this blog as a way to "get the word out" to more people when I feel God has said something for us all. I sense an urgency for Christians to link together and have quicker access to eachother through the internet (using blogs, facebook and myspace not for fun and shallow words, but for communicating spiritual truths, current needs, and timely words from the Lord).